Monday Musings // 5.4.2020

So, how was YOUR week?

Mine was… interesting.

First, I want to say that I am totally and utterly grateful that I’m able to remain employed during this crazy time in our lives. I do not take it for granted. I certainly don’t want to come off in the wrong light. Because I know that my reality pales in comparison to those on the frontline, those who are the most essential workers. And to those who are out of work and struggling to make it through these difficult days, weeks, months. But the truth is that I am finding that I get very overwhelmed at times. 

While my employer has been able to remain open throughout the shutdown, we’re certainly not operating at our full capacity. Understandably so, a lot of our customers are not buying print right now. We take the work that we can get, and I’m appreciative of having something to do on the days when I’m in the office. But there’s a running joke that the work comes in when I’m there… it’s funny, to a certain degree. It’s not so funny when I find myself getting anxious and overwhelmed because of it.

Little things can set me into a downward spiral, and I struggle to pull myself out of it. That has been my new normal even before the pandemic fell upon us. And nothing has changed in light of it. Friday was hard for me. I had a bit of an internal breakdown: overwhelm, exhaustion, emotional upheaval. Several years ago I started feeling resentful in my job, for a variety of reasons. On Friday those feelings started to come up again. After I had this minor breakdown, I had a mini breakthrough.

I want to change my tendency to complain. I know that I do it, but on Friday I had a re-realization of maybe how prevalent it has become recently. It wasn’t pretty. The thing is, while I know I want to change, I don’t know how. Recognize that I’m doing it and then don’t? That’s helpful. I don’t just want to stop the complaining, I want to stop the feelings that make me want to complain in the first place. How do I stop resentment from bubbling up? How do I stop the overwhelm? Maybe that’s asking for too much…or maybe I need to start a gratitude practice and train myself to see the positive, so that focusing on the good is my first inclination rather than to grumble and complain… I think this may be a good place to start.

Thank you for letting me chat with you, I think this helped me to work it out.

How are you feeling?

Many thanks and much love,

Photo by Alex Eckermann on Unsplash

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