Good morning my lovelies,
When my parents named me Lisa Ann almost 37 years ago, they blessed me with a set of initials that would make me smile whenever I write them out: LAF. Laugh! Laughter! Such an exuberant expression of emotion.
Several years ago I even used my initials in my side hustle’s dba, LAF Lines. And then, of course, to this blog. A nod to me of course, as designer and blogger in chief, but also to the carefree spirit I wanted to evoke. When you see a person with well worn laugh lines, how do you imagine them to be? How do you envision their life?
Recently I feel like I haven’t done those initials, and that name, justice. I haven’t lived up to either of them.
Earlier this month I shared my focus and goals for 2021 HERE. I really truly need to prioritize all aspects of my health once and for all. It’s time. Actually, it’s long overdue. And a big chunk of this focus has to be on my mental health. Because it has shifted, and suffered a major setback in the past year or so.
While I love to laugh, I found that my sense of humor has diminished. It has become jaded. I take offense. I kid and I’m sarcastic, but I can’t take it back. I take it personally. I spiral into a funk if my jests are poorly received. I fear I’ve hurt someone the way I feel hurt when I’m the butt of the joke.
I long to be carefree. A natural, unencumbered spirit. Yet I’m trapped in a vicious cycle of self-judgement and berating. It paralyzes me. And it deeply saddens me. Painfully so. I worry about how others see me. I feel like a failure. I feel like my goals are unworthy of my time. And that I’m unworthy of my goals.
I’d be lying if I said I ever actually was that carefree girl. But I do remember laughing more.
My birthday is in three short days. And as I turn another year older, I wish myself a life of joy. To grow old gracefully. To be proud of my accomplishments. Of the love and the laughter that have filled my days.
My mission is to find the laughter again. And to form some well worn laugh lines along the way.
So I can live up to my name.